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| Visual Betrayal
She
Is my enemy--
I spy
Her slick disguise,
Daring eyes
She
Has no idea why
I'm staring, waiting
Glaring,
Hating
Every second that
Ticks by.
He
Is my enemy--
I spy
His wandring eyes,
And she's the prize
He
Just stares as she walks by
I'm burning, dying,
Churning,
Crying
Deep inside my hurt
ing
heart
++++
I'm having a rough time right now. Yeah I found more of that stuff on the computer this morning.
You know, just to clarify, this is something that I've been warring against for the past oh.........about a year or so. It's nothing new; I've been through tons of lies & discoveries since I first started protesting against it . It just seems to keep going on and on. I'm in a few very good online support groups which are helping me to become more independent.....and get through this.. but, ok this time things have just gone too far. Last time which was like 3 weeks ago; I started having flashbacks from my past sexual abuse as result of the trauma of all this porn crap. & I am not kidding when he tried to touch me I started having these scary convulsion-type things.
So then this time I am having flashbacks again and I am now experiencing involuntary muscle spasms when he comes near me, how wonderful; I became very hysterical and started hyperventilating when we were talking about it;; and then--now I just have these hideous involuntary thoughts constantly popping into my head anytime I see a fairly good looking woman on the street.
So many people would say I am insecure for feeling so inadequate as I do right now. That I have such low self esteem. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard(& I've heard it many many times). For one, to have self esteem means to believe you deserve something. I believe I deserve to be the only one my husband looks at( I mean LOOKS at...like really LOOKS at); and I like my body. But, that doesn't change the fact that no matter how bad I've felt about this in the past; no matter how much I try to satisfy him; it hasn't been enough for him to kick this habit. I mean hey, I can believe all I want that I deserve to be the only one. But that doesn't change whether I am enough for HIM.
I was gonna leave & stay somewhere else for the next few nights; before he got home. I just could not stand the thought of being here with him. But , God has other plans I guess; miguel got injured at work and I had to go get him & take him to the hospital. Oh it was nothing really bad he smashed his finger. But it spoiled my plans of leaving him to think about what he's doing to me.
He seems to be very sorry about it; and seems to sincerely want to get into recovery but then again I've said that before. Could be he's just getting so much better at this little sorry honey routine. I mean we've been through it like a million times before.
& for any of you porn lovers out there who are in so much denial as to think that I am way overreacting, and that porn is harmless blah blah(yeah I've heard it all before!) -------------------just why don't you go back and read this whole post over again. And again. And again. Got it? Are you reading it over again? ....has the realization hit you yet?
No, right?
If porn is sooooooooooooo harmless.... then why is he UNABLE to stop? Even when it is destroying 1. ME 2. HIM and 3. OUR RELATIONSHIP. Why? Logically if something is putting your quality of life in jeapardy you STOP!! doing it! So why can't he? It's sure not for lack of desire.
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| blah blah blah blah blah
Had a weird dream yesterday; I dreamed I was lying on the sofa sleeping & I heard the baby cry- I tried to get up but suddenly felt like there was this demonic presence above me & I couldn't move. Then my side started hurting and I tried to lift my arm up but I couldn't.
I was scared to open my eyes and look to see if there was something there--
& then I woke up.
weird
CHOCOLATE..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cake
I'm getting a little depressed over this crap that's going on with my family .........
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| Could someone please explain to me why people are so ridiculous sometimes?
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| Evan started signing today. As in sign language. I've been signing to him for about 4 months now--today he suddenly figured out what it means. I was feeding him & suddenly he just stopped like he was thinking & then made the sign for 'eat' OMG it was so cute & I went crazy clapping & making a huge deal out of it. lol he was so happy about it.
& um..... It's funny, now I'm in affiliate advertising I have several of those moments every day where I realize that what I am seeing is much more complex than it seems to be...as in , people are making money out of it. Like I work at Burger King & we hand out coupons for amusement parks like Universal Studios & Knott's... didn't really think about it before but now I know that burger king gets paid every time someone goes to the amusement park with one of those coupons...funny. Then I am always noticing little subtle messages in commercials that are just plain SNEAKY. I'm not going to get into that though because it is fascinating & I would bore you with all the details......suffice it to say that advertisers use the subconscious mind to trick people into feeling good. and I'm talking about stuff you do NOT notice at all. like some seemingly random words or letters in the background...something like that.
oOoOoOoOo scary huh
we are all at the mercy of the media.
except me because I know the truth hahaha
_______me
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| So....
Being deeply immersed into some of those profound thoughts that I always have (yeah, because you all know how profound I am.) ; I recalled an experience I had ohhh, probably about a couple of years ago; & thought I would share it...
My youth group was visiting a neighboring church one night because there was a special guest speaker who was visiting there & was going to be praying with everyone & all that fun stuff. You know what I mean. *wink wink*
ok enough of that. So we went over there. I don't remember the guy's name but he gave a message and then started ministering i.e. praying for everyone individually.
I was kind of skeptical. I don't remember exactly what I was going through, I just remember being kind of fed up with SOMETHING at that point in life, & was needing some kind of real, tangible evidence that God was getting me through. I bet you all know what I mean. I just needed something very clear. A sign.
So I went up there and stood there waiting. My turn came. The guy came over , stood in front of me. Put his hand on my forehead. Yep, same routine as always. He started into it, I don't know what he said, it was just a general blessing. Not what I wanted. So then I guess he was feeling like I was done, & he gave a little push on my forehead so I would fall down like everyone always does.
But I just wasn't having it. I had asked God for a sign. I didn't want to fall down. I didn't feel anything at all. So I refused to fall down. I was thinking, there's nothing happening here. This isn't God...
But then, & even now 2 years later I feel like crying as I write this; he said:::::::::::::::: 'Oh, my goodness. The Lord's telling me that you are a DANCER!!' & started laughing and going on about this like he was so amazed by it. That I was His dancer! That I just loved to dance for him, and when I danced everyone saw God through me. That it made Him so happy when he saw me dancing for Him.
Gee now I am crying really. See how strong this was for me? This guy had never seen me dance. No one came up and whispered it into his ear that I am a dancer. He couldn't have known. I don't know if anyone remembers, but I was a HARD CORE dancer. I LOVE to dance. I took dance lessons even. I was ALWAYS up there at youth group whipping around with flags & ribbons.
Do you get how I felt at that moment?
This is the single, most important thing in my memory that has ever, ever happened in my life. It proved to me without a doubt that God is REAL!!! Yeah, sorry. I know, I was supposed to have faith all along. I did though. I had faith, but there was always that tiiiiny piece of my mind that wasn't sure whether all this was just a story. Don't tell me you never felt that way. I'm sure we all either feel that way, or felt that way until something like this happened that proved it, without a doubt.
Anyway that is IT.
Could you really ask for anything more anyway? 
carrie
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