insane_elven_pirate's Xanga

Friday, July 17, 2009

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 05:26:23 GMT

Visual Betrayal

She
Is my enemy--
I spy
Her slick disguise,
Daring eyes
She
Has no idea why
I'm staring, waiting
Glaring,
Hating
Every second that
Ticks by.

He
Is my enemy--
I spy
His wandring eyes,
And she's the prize
He
Just stares as she walks by
I'm burning, dying,
Churning,
Crying
Deep inside my hurt
ing
heart

++++

I'm having a rough time right now. Yeah I found more of that stuff on the computer this morning.

You know, just to clarify, this is something that I've been warring against for the past oh.........about a year or so. It's nothing new; I've been through tons of lies & discoveries since I first started protesting against it . It just seems to keep going on and on. I'm in a few very good online support groups which are helping me to become more independent.....and get through this.. but, ok this time things have just gone too far. Last time which was like 3 weeks ago; I started having flashbacks from my past sexual abuse as result of the trauma of all this porn crap. & I am not kidding when he tried to touch me I started having these scary convulsion-type things.

So then this time I am having flashbacks again and I am now experiencing involuntary muscle spasms when he comes near me, how wonderful; I became very hysterical and started hyperventilating when we were talking about it;; and then--now I just have these hideous involuntary thoughts constantly popping into my head anytime I see a fairly good looking woman on the street.

So many people would say I am insecure for feeling so inadequate as I do right now. That I have such low self esteem. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard(& I've heard it many many times). For one, to have self esteem means to believe you deserve something. I believe I deserve to be the only one my husband looks at( I mean LOOKS at...like really LOOKS at); and I like my body. But, that doesn't change the fact that no matter how bad I've felt about this in the past; no matter how much I try to satisfy him; it hasn't been enough for him to kick this habit. I mean hey, I can believe all I want that I deserve to be the only one. But that doesn't change whether I am enough for HIM.

I was gonna leave & stay somewhere else for the next few nights; before he got home. I just could not stand the thought of being here with him. But , God has other plans I guess; miguel got injured at work and I had to go get him & take him to the hospital. Oh it was nothing really bad he smashed his finger. But it spoiled my plans of leaving him to think about what he's doing to me.

He seems to be very sorry about it; and seems to sincerely want to get into recovery but then again I've said that before. Could be he's just getting so much better at this little sorry honey routine. I mean we've been through it like a million times before.

& for any of you porn lovers out there who are in so much denial as to think that I am way overreacting, and that porn is harmless blah blah(yeah I've heard it all before!) -------------------just why don't you go back and read this whole post over again. And again. And again. Got it? Are you reading it over again? ....has the realization hit you yet?

No, right?

If porn is sooooooooooooo harmless.... then why is he UNABLE to stop? Even when it is destroying 1. ME 2. HIM and 3. OUR RELATIONSHIP. Why? Logically if something is putting your quality of life in jeapardy you STOP!! doing it! So why can't he? It's sure not for lack of desire.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:00:52 GMT

blah blah blah blah blah

Had a weird dream yesterday; I dreamed I was lying on the sofa sleeping & I heard the baby cry- I tried to get up but suddenly felt like there was this demonic presence above me & I couldn't move. Then my side started hurting and I tried to lift my arm up but I couldn't.

I was scared to open my eyes and look to see if there was something there--

& then I woke up.

weird

CHOCOLATE..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cake

I'm getting a little depressed over this crap that's going on with my family .........

Friday, June 19, 2009

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 20:45:28 GMT

Could someone please explain to me why people are so ridiculous sometimes?

First signs.....

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:25:16 GMT

Evan started signing today. As in sign language. I've been signing to him for about 4 months now--today he suddenly figured out what it means. I was feeding him & suddenly he just stopped like he was thinking & then made the sign for 'eat' OMG it was so cute & I went crazy clapping & making a huge deal out of it. lol he was so happy about it.

& um..... It's funny, now I'm in affiliate advertising I have several of those moments every day where I realize that what I am seeing is much more complex than it seems to be...as in , people are making money out of it. Like I work at Burger King & we hand out coupons for amusement parks like Universal Studios & Knott's... didn't really think about it before but now I know that burger king gets paid every time someone goes to the amusement park with one of those coupons...funny. Then I am always noticing little subtle messages in commercials that are just plain SNEAKY. I'm not going to get into that though because it is fascinating & I would bore you with all the details......suffice it to say that advertisers use the subconscious mind to trick people into feeling good. and I'm talking about stuff you do NOT notice at all. like some seemingly random words or letters in the background...something like that.

oOoOoOoOo scary huh

we are all at the mercy of the media.

except me because I know the truth hahaha

_______me

The guy said I was a dancer, OK?

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:26:27 GMT

So....

Being deeply immersed into some of those profound thoughts that I always have (yeah, because you all know how profound I am.) ; I recalled an experience I had ohhh, probably about a couple of years ago; & thought I would share it...

My youth group was visiting a neighboring church one night because there was a special guest speaker who was visiting there & was going to be praying with everyone & all that fun stuff. You know what I mean. *wink wink*

ok enough of that. So we went over there. I don't remember the guy's name but he gave a message and then started ministering i.e. praying for everyone individually.

I was kind of skeptical. I don't remember exactly what I was going through, I just remember being kind of fed up with SOMETHING at that point in life, & was needing some kind of real, tangible evidence that God was getting me through. I bet you all know what I mean. I just needed something very clear. A sign.

So I went up there and stood there waiting. My turn came. The guy came over , stood in front of me. Put his hand on my forehead. Yep, same routine as always. He started into it, I don't know what he said, it was just a general blessing. Not what I wanted. So then I guess he was feeling like I was done, & he gave a little push on my forehead so I would fall down like everyone always does.

But I just wasn't having it. I had asked God for a sign. I didn't want to fall down. I didn't feel anything at all. So I refused to fall down. I was thinking, there's nothing happening here. This isn't God...

But then, & even now 2 years later I feel like crying as I write this; he said:::::::::::::::: 'Oh, my goodness. The Lord's telling me that you are a DANCER!!' & started laughing and going on about this like he was so amazed by it. That I was His dancer! That I just loved to dance for him, and when I danced everyone saw God through me. That it made Him so happy when he saw me dancing for Him.

Gee now I am crying really. See how strong this was for me? This guy had never seen me dance. No one came up and whispered it into his ear that I am a dancer. He couldn't have known. I don't know if anyone remembers, but I was a HARD CORE dancer. I LOVE to dance. I took dance lessons even. I was ALWAYS up there at youth group whipping around with flags & ribbons.

Do you get how I felt at that moment?

This is the single, most important thing in my memory that has ever, ever happened in my life. It proved to me without a doubt that God is REAL!!! Yeah, sorry. I know, I was supposed to have faith all along. I did though. I had faith, but there was always that tiiiiny piece of my mind that wasn't sure whether all this was just a story. Don't tell me you never felt that way. I'm sure we all either feel that way, or felt that way until something like this happened that proved it, without a doubt.

Anyway that is IT.

Could you really ask for anything more anyway?

carrie

The guy said I was a dancer, OK?

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:25:40 GMT

What the HAY? there is something wrong with the editor because it posted my post 3 times O_o

The guy said I was a dancer, OK?

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:24:48 GMT

NOTHING....move on

Xanga!!!

Sat, 30 May 2009 03:10:47 GMT

Hi.

I haven't been on in a while. Where have I been all this time? Well I was off having adventures in Myspace, Facebook, Yahoo! Answers, iVillage, & Youtube.

After trying out all of them I have come to the daring conclusion::::::: XANGA IS WAY BETTER!!!!! :D

Seriously, though. Myspace is ugly & boring. So is facebook. Y!A is fun but the novelty wears off after awhile. iVillage, I guess not a LOT of people hang out there lol; but it's well a good place for support when I'm going through uhmm...crap. But is boring when I just want to mess around. You tube...well I really don't make videos at all & its fun to watch videos but again, the novelty wears off. at least it did for me...

Anyway

I was reading over again my entire site. all my posts since like...2004. & boy have I come to the realization that while my life totally sucked, it was at least somewhat interesting to read about. Now it's just boring & I don't often get depressed thus fore, I no longer experience daily revelations on such a profound level. Haha.

so I hope I don't bore anyone to death, if Any of my xangan friends ever bother to visit anymore.

Why have I decided to come back. Well, (and I am totally going to gross myself out here by saying this...) it is a really rich experience to go back and read about what was happening in the past after you have forgotten all about it. Well at least it was for me. I was actually astounded at some of the things I said back then being so young. I really did have my head on straight (in the areas that matter anyways lol) despite of all the crap I was going through.

It also helps me to remember who I am. Over the past 2 years I have lost quite a bit of my old personality. Not so much lost it! As tried to cover it up by 'growing up'. Also quite a bit of 'hardening' as I call it, happened to me because of a huge load of (pardon my language) SHIT that's been dumped on me for the past year. Not even going to go into THAT, but it's something very serious that has hurt me alot. So I have kind of 'hardened'. But, I am still me. And this site reminds me of that & helps me to get out of the total boringness & tension that has become a part of my life.

Actually my life isn't really boring. How could it be with my hyperactive baby. It's just that to most people it would be boring to read about every little wonderful thing that he does every day, even though it's delightful to me.

Sorry, so long, but you know we have a lot to catch up on you know;

until later,

--me, me me and me

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:53:58 GMT

my baby boy :)

I know, what a cutie :) :) :)

xxxcarrie

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:10:55 GMT

You know probably nobody EVER bothers to visit xanga anymore but I really wish they did- I despise myspace because it's really ugly and it just seems too complicated to me; and it takes too long to load on my computer I don't know why; anyway I just hate myspace and I wish everyone would come back to xanga!!! probly its not going to happen though.........anyway I was trying to get myspace to work so I could make an announcement - but it doesn't work stupid myspace, so even if nobody reads this entry I have to share the big news- my baby was born!

My web aquaintances don't even know I was pregnant so it's a little weird to hear that I guess for them but yeah! My baby boy was born August 24, 2008 at 1:05 pm in Redlands Community Hospital. His name is Evan Andre Hernandez, what do you think of that?? I had planned a homebirth and had all the supplies and information I needed for it- I had been reading book after book to prepare for it and train myself to know what to do in case of emergencies- but the baby had other ideas. I was in active labor for about 19 hours at home-I was stuck in transition for about 6 hours- and finally got too tired to go on like that and decided to go to the hospital so I could get some pain relief and some sleep! I just knew somehow that he wasn't going to come out anytime soon and felt like his head was turned the wrong way or something- and I was right- it was turned to the side or something and so it couldn't descend, as we found out later.

so we went to the hospital and they gave me medication and I slept a few hours it was wonderful after so many hours of labor!!! however the staff was so rude- they didn't give me much say in what was going on- I specifically told them NO episiotomy and they did it anyway! I almost kicked the doctor in the face when he did that, I would have but there were a bunch of people around my bed holding me down- HOLDING me DOWN, can you believe it? Other than those things the rest of the delivery was pretty much fine- oh except for the way that they kept telling me to hold my breath and push and telling me exactly how I had to push and exactly what position i had to be in in order to push - as if birth is supposed to be like that!!! i didn't darn well feel like holding my breath , I can't push when Im holding my breath and they kept yelling at me to hold my breath. It makes me mad to think about it. OTHER than that....it was okay. but this is what really burns me up- right when the baby was born- they put some medication into my iv- WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME OR ASKING ME! I had NO IDEA until the next DAY of what had happened- and because of the stupid medication I don't even remember when they handed me my baby! I don't remember a thing! The only reason I know that they gave him to me is because my husband told me. He says I kept repeating 'my baby, my baby' and I kissed him on the cheek; and that he was all bloody and had vernix still on him.... and it hurts so much that i can't even remember. I can't believe they did that to me.

but then what came next was just outrageous- of course they took him away from me and I do remember looking off to the side and seeing him there, and they were doing stuff to him, and hearing him scream for what seemed like 10 minutes- but the thing was while that was happening to him, the people who were with me were saying to me 'youre not done yet, youre not done yet you need to push' and they were pulling on the umbilical cord and pushing on my stomach to extract the placenta- which is something that you're not supposed to do because it can cause severe hemhorraging! However I wasn't in any condition to do anything or say anything- I was delirious at that point pretty much so they got to do it their way and guess what- I had very severe hemhorraging after the birth of the placenta. surprise! I lost tons of blood because of their stupid rush to get me out of the room to make space for the next patient, and believe me it hurt horribly, not because of the bleeding but because they had to push on my stomach REALLY hard to stop the bleeding- again and again, and it hurt so bad and the nurse who was doing it was so rude, she just came at me and pumped on my stomach with no warning at all. And they gave my baby vitamin K when i said I didn't want that either.

I hate hospitals.